Wednesday, April 29, 2015

#125: Devin, the Impossible Patient

"You sure have a lot of dresses," Declan observed the next morning, as Kelly was making him breakfast.

"Well, my friend Alice just had a baby, so a lot of these dresses are hers," Kelly told him.

"So, when you have the baby, what are you going to do with all the dresses?" he asked.

Kelly was amused at Declan's sudden interest in ladies' maternity wear.

"Well, I suppose my friends and I will just keep them, until the next time one of us has a baby," she said.

"Are you and Derek going to have more than one kid?" Declan asked.

Kelly didn't have an answer for that question (and suddenly had a sick feeling in her stomach).

"I'm an only child," Declan added--relieving Kelly from the obligation to come up with an answer to his question.

"Well, you never know--your mom might have another baby someday."

Kelly wanted to change the subject.  "So, you guys were really late coming back from the park last night--I was already in bed, but I heard you come in."

"Oh, we went to the gym after the park," Declan told her.

"The gym?" Kelly asked.  "Why?"

"Because I fell off the monkey bars a lot, and got pretty dirty.  And Derek says we don't have a shower here yet."

"Well, we'll see what we can do about that," Kelly assured him.  "And till then, you are welcome to use my bathtub."


On her first day as a Medical Assistant, Lou learned to Calibrate an X-Ray Machine,

and to X-Ray patients.

She also learned to Scan a Patient's Body,

and to give shots.

 And she saw a LOT of patients.  "What seems to be the problem, Mr. Austin?" she asked.

"I don't knoooooooow!" Devin whined.  "Isn't that for YOU to tell ME???"

"Well, I need to start with SOME information," she told him sternly.  (Lou didn't have much of a bedside manner.)  "Where does it hurt?"

"Ooooooh--it hurts ALL OVER!" Devin reported.  "Do you offer medical massage here???"

'Geez,' Lou thought.  "How about if I run some tests on you, Mr. Austin, and we'll try to narrow down your ... umm ... problem."

 "Ooooh!  Run all the tests on me you want, pretty lady!" Devin cried, swatting imaginary flies.

 Lou first checked Devin's ears--and the light went straight through his head.

She mentioned this to the patient, who responded, "I HAVE been feeling a bit light-headed!"

She attempted to take his temperature.

"Mr. Austin, PLEASE stop biting the thermometer!"

"Okay, now I'm going to scan your body--it's non-invasive, so it won't hurt."

"Should I undress to make it easier for you?" Devin offered.  (Lou ignored this.)

"Now I need to take a swab sample," Lou explained.

"Ohhhh," Devin said, sounding disappointed.  "Only a cheek swab???--'Cause I can offer you ALL SORTS of bodily fluids!"

"Is everything all right here, Lou?" asked Jewel Hoover, who was passing by.

"Nothing I can't handle," Lou assured her.

"Now, you just wait right here, Mr. Austin," Lou said.  "I need to analyze your sample."

Lou ran her analysis,

and logged the results.

'Hmmmm....' she said to herself, and headed back to the exam room.

Meanwhile, having become bored waiting for Lou to return, Devin had wandered into another exam room.  "May I help you, sir?" asked Medical Technician Edwin Clinton.

"That's okay--he's with me," Lou said exasperated.

She led Devin back to her exam room.  "Mr. Austin, your test results were inconclusive," she told him.

"Oh, no!" he cried.  "Does that mean I'm dying???  Of some horrible exotic disease that no one's ever heard of???"

Lou sighed.  "Either that--or there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you!!!"


It had surely been an exasperating day, but Lou was astounded to find that she'd been promoted again, this time to Medical Technologist:

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